You’re Not Really Gonna Wear That Are You?
Time for another confession: I love superheros. Yeah, in all shapes and sizes, skills and abilities, traumatized pasts or billionaire playboys, doesn’t matter: I love them. I’m a sucker for a guy or gal in a spandex suit, wearing their undies on the outside and doling out good ol’ vigilante style justice.
So, naturally, I tinkle a little whenever I hear about a new superhero movie or television show coming out. Whether you realize it or not we’re sort of living through a second golden age of the superhero. DC and Marvel have both outlined their intent to release huge blockbusters on a yearly basis for like the next century. If you’re a fan, like me, then this is great. Unless it’s not.
Wait, what? Really, Anthony? What are you going to hate on today?
Good question. I’m gonna pick on one of the most important decisions a movie maker can make when it comes to creating a kick ass superhero movie: the costume. Now, you haven’t kicked my dog, or put a hex on my family tree, so I won’t torture you by going all Cosmo on you, but seriously, what your main character is wearing on screen will make or break a movie.
With that said, let’s go through some of the worst superhero costume designs of all time and see what useful nuggets we can gleam from this heaping pile of turd-a-geddon.
First, let’s all give Edna Mole a second to explain some basic costume functionality.
Still not convinced? Well, fine. Let’s ask Madonna’s opinion.
Okay, now that we’re all on the same page, let’s talk about the next no-no.
This is something I never, ever say, but… NO NIPPLES!
Ugh, Batman and Robin will go down in history as one of the all-time worst reincarnations of Batman.
First, check out those nipples on Robin. Batman was sporting some nips as well, but thankfully you can’t see them in this picture. Seriously costume-designer guy? How did you even think this was a good idea?
Second, chrome Batman? No. I like creative new takes on old costumes, but you strayed too far on this one.
Despite all the negatives there is one thing I’ll give kudos and a fist bump for–Alicia Silverstone is showing practically zero skin.
Wait, what? Yeah, that’s right. I don’t like seeing skin on my superheros. Boys or girls, doesn’t matter. When you’re rolling in the dirt with bad-guys exposed skin is a very bad idea. Unfortunately, where superheroines are concerned, this is a common problem. Let’s take a gander at some of the more egregious examples.
Halle Berry is beautiful, no doubt, but this is the least functional outfit I’ve ever seen. And that’s something that needs to be considered when drawing up designs for a superhero outfit. For the most part, movie makers and the like do a good job of this where male characters are concerned, but those poor, poor ladies are gonna have some wicked road rash after one good tumble to the pavement.
Here’s a good example of how male superheros are treated differently than the females. Same movie, different theories on functional outfits.
I had my problems with Daredevil the movie, but I will say that his costume was pretty cool. Not only did it look badass, it was cut entirely from leather so that dude could do high-speed somersaults down the street all day long and still have all his skin to show for it. But Elektra? Oh, god… that outfit couldn’t even stop a stiff breeze.
This is where the comic purists will say, “Yeah, but atleast her costume is staying true to the comic book.” Which is true, I concede that point. But let’s take a look at the costume in question shall we?
Ugh…Seriously, sometimes it’s okay–nay, required!–to stray from the source material. This would be one of those times!
With that said, there are some exceptions to the scantily clad rule.
You’re bulletproof…
Or you can turn into a diamond…
And that’s it. If you’re not a larger than life engagement ring, or Wonder Woman, you need to be showing a bit less leg.
Oh, I hear your cries of outrage. You say, “But what about if I were a Warrior Princess? Could I skimp on the trousers and body armor then?”
What, a warrior princess sort of like this?
Alright, fine… do what you want. See what I care. But don’t come crawling back asking for bandaids and neosporin when you get all cut up fighting The Porcupine!
Wow, I bet you didn’t think The Porcupine was a real character, did you? Well, guess what? I didn’t either. Thank you google.
Now that we know to steer clear of capes, nipples, and cleavage, let’s tackle a problem we’re only going to see more of in the near future: CGI costumes. Technology is capable of some real neatorific things these days. And I get it, the temptation to do a costume entirely by means of CGI wizardry is damn near irresistible, but please, please, please… before you walk down that Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day reference here is timely only because of the word green. You don’t understand why, yet, but give it until the end of this sentence and you will!) take a note from the blockbuster dud, Green Lantern. (See! Told you that reference would make sense. Sort of.)
Ryan Reynolds played the Green Lantern in what could have been a fantastic movie. Instead, they screwed up two fundamental things and the whole kit and kaboodle started hydroplaning out of control.
First: the plot was pretty loosey-goosey. You can sacrifice a lot, but not story. Never story.
Second: the costume was entirely CGI which, could’ve been cool, but instead looked cheezy and made Ryan Reynolds look anemic. A bad look for a superhero. Don’t believe me? Take a look.
Actually, you know what, I’m a big Ryan Reynolds fan and I could’ve found it in my heart to forgive the costume, but that mask. Oh god, that mask is atrocious.
For comparison purposes, here’s Mr. Reynolds rocking an awesome Deadpool costume.
Granted, you can’t see his face, but that’s the point. Superhero’s need to do a better job concealing their concealables. If there’s a lesson to gleam from this post thus far it’s this: full leather suits ala Deadpool and Daredevil = awesome.
I love leather. Don’t tell Peta. Or Katniss. (<– Oof.. that’s… that’s not a coherent joke.)
Full body suits are great, they offer a lot of protection which I think should never be underestimated whilst fighting crime. But there are some big no-no’s one should be aware.
One: full body spandex or leotards are questionable even under the best of circumstances.
Notice how your eyes are immediately drawn to the crotch-al regions. But hey, it could be worse.
Is Sue Storm wearing a superhero turtleneck? To my knowledge, only one person has ever pulled off the tactical turtleneck.
Don’t know who this is? Watch Archer. Now.
Anyways, the one piece leotard is hard to pull off, but it can be done.
Ignore the high heeled boots for two seconds and realize that this outfit is actually incredibly functional for a cat burglar. Much better than that Halle Barry nonsense earlier.
But you got to tread cautiously ’cause one misstep and you end up looking like this guy.
Is that Barney riding a horse through the jungle? No, but it might as well be. Oi, I don’t even know where to start with this one.
Ack, well… this is as good a time as any to call it quits. End on a high note so to speak. Now, forget everything I just said and get down to the comments and tell me what you think. What are some of your favorite superhero costumes? What are your least favorite? Did any of them make my list? I’m dying to know, don’t leave me hanging!
Where is Garvis! If I were to wear superhero attire I’d feel most comfortable in Garvis than anyother- it also looks the part
That’s true. The Iron Man suit from the movies is amazing. I didn’t put it on the list because it seemed too obvious an example of a suit done right.
Interestingly, Marvel is being sued by some designers who claim Marvel stole the design for the suit from their comic series called Radix. I doubt the lawsuit will go anywhere, but it’s interesting nonetheless!
Learn something new all the time!
What a refreshing read! I commend you especially about the women’s not-so-there superhero costumes. I put them in the category of non-functional… like running from a crazed, murderous lunatic in 4 inch high heels. And wasn’t Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman outfit also a leather piece and not some unfortunate spandex costume? Whatever it was, she was hot and I wanted to be her. LOL Great piece. I really enjoyed it.
I was specifically looking for Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman but all the pictures made the suit look like latex. And then I couldn’t really remember if it was latex or leather so I decided to play it safe. Either way, Pfeiffer’s Catwoman was the best with a suit damn near close to functional regardless of latex or leather!
I assume you’re aware of the Hawkeye Initiative? http://thehawkeyeinitiative.com Artists draw male superheroes in the outfits and poses of female superheroes. Awesomely eye-opening.
Great post, very interesting. I always wondered how Wonder Woman’s costume managed to stay UP during her fight scenes. Invisible straps?
BTW, a whole article on the Avengers in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal, but mostly about how the actors were recruited. Had no idea the guy who plays Thor used to sing opera.
HA, that fact about the Thor actor is amazing! I never would have suspected.
Part of Wonder Woman’s power is levitating clothing, didn’t you know? I’m pretty sure that’s where they came up with the technology for the Wonder Bra. (That’s a thing, right?)
Also, I never replied to your other comment about Lara Croft, but I wanted to say that she is an awesome video game character, and I love her story, but for some reason I simply cannot get into Angelina Jolie. She weirds me out. But hey, I’m probably alone on that front.
But what is your opinion on the old school, Adam West Batman getups. “Don’t worry, Robin- I had Alfred lay out our acid proof suits today!” (Then they proceed to drape capes over their faces and jump directly into that vat of acid the Joker tried to trap them with, no harm, no foul…)
Say what you will, acid proof suits are functional as hell, so I got to give them props.
Everything, and I mean literally everything, else from that show, however, was horrendous. Then again that’s sort of what makes the show so amazing. Key phrase in that sentence being “sort of”.
I still remember snickering over it with my brother as a kid (that particular episode was one of his favorites to mock)… In its own way, I doubt any other Batman incarnations will match that one- for better or worse!
Captain America (aka the Human Torch) has a cool costume. That could’ve easily gone wrong. Also, the Hulk. I don’t know what his pants are made out of, but thank goodness they don’t rip when Banner transforms. I like the X-Men but I wish their outfits were more personalized.
Overall I like the X-men costume, but I, too, would like to see more individualization. I understand that they are trying to project themselves as a team, though, so I doubt we’ll see that happening any time soon.
Captain America’s costume could have been a horrendous trainwreck. Whoever designed that outfit for the movies should get a raise ’cause they really outdid theymselves!
The Hulk is interesting, not so much from the indestructible short angle, but from the CGI rendering. That first Hulk movie with Edward Norton was a good example of what not to do. Glad to see in the reboot they really figured out the design of his character and made him look awesome!
Yeah! The Hulk keeps looking better and better.
Someone posted pictures on set of the new X-Men movie, and the outfits look good. They look very 80s!
Loved this one! The way some of these artists have drawn women are beyond ridiculous.
And I hate to bring anything up that may imply it isn’t, but there is one possible flaw to your thinking that I will put out there. Leather certainly looks amazing and would be more protective…but anyone else that has made the mistake of rocking the club with leather pants knows what I’m saying when I ask, “Do those super hero costumes come with super-air conditioning as well?” because if they’re running all over the place, leaping from buildings and jumping from invisible planes saving the day in a full-body leather suit things are going to get mighty warm! Not to mention the fact that their side-kicks will get a full body workout trying to pry said super-hero out of a soaked leather body suit at the end of a hard nights work.
Or are super heros just so incredibly super that they just don’t sweat? Hmmm….
You know, I can buy into a superhero being virtually indestructible, or being able to fly, or breath under water, or throw paper airplanes really, really good, but I refuse to believe they are incapable of sweating. That’s where I draw my own personal line in the sand.
Seriously, though, you’ve single handedly ruined superheros for me with that mental image of Robin trying to pry a lathered up Batman out of his suit. So, thanks.. jerk.
J/K of course. You’re fantastic. Don’t let anybody ever tell you otherwise.
Except me.
Lol, I know TMI right? It reminds me of the SNL spoof The Ambiguously Gay Duo cartoon….if it makes you feel any better I’m getting the mental images as well now. Dammit, I’ve been cut with my own sword! Sorry to be the voice of ridiculously practical reason, guess I wouldn’t make a very good super hero when all I would think after seeing my custom made kick-ass one-piece full body leather suit for the first time is, “Hell, guess it’s no Starbucks breaks for me tonight because that son’a’bitch isn’t going back on if I have to pee after I save the world from total domination….again.”
Wait, superheros have to pee now, too? What is the world coming too? This raises many important questions, however. I’m going into my thinking box, nobody bother me!
I wish that article was still up about boob plate armor LOL I’d share it…
Boob plate armor, eh? Go on, I’m listening.