Jupiter Ascending Review!

Jupiter Ascending, the latest from the Wachowski brothers (the guys that brought you such classics as The Matrix and Cloud Atlas), had me really psyched after seeing the trailer a couple months back. So psyched, in fact, that I made a little blog post about how psyched I was.

Stunning visual effects plus an all-star cast featuring Channing ‘the tater tot’ Tatum and Mila ‘too cool for school’ Kunis meant that this movie had potential right out the gate. A question lingered in the back of my mind though.. an insidious dark thing that sprang into a fully formed fear: what would the story be like?

From the onset, the premise is intriguing. Humans are much older than we know, having originated on a planet in a galaxy far, far away. Earth, therefore, is a colony held in trust by a large inter-galactic corporation that farms humans. Think Soylent Green in space. There ya go, now you’re getting the picture.

All the pieces were there, or so it seemed, for a fantastic movie. But still I worried that Jupiter Ascending would suffer the same fate as a Michael Bay movie, flashy lights, big explosions, no substance. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that sort of movie as much as the next red-blooded, emotionally stunted, American male, so I was prepared to enjoy this movie one way or the other.

Did I? Did I enjoy it?

Nope.

It was painful.

First, there is a lot of action. I’m guilty of committing the same sin in my debut novel, Time Heist, so I won’t fling too many stones. At its root, this is an sci-fi action adventure, and so there should be a fair amount of action.

So, what’s the problem? Well, halfway through the movie, the storytellers try forcing a love angle down our throats. Mila starts throwing herself at Channing like a starry eyed teenager.

Channing doesn’t immediately reciprocate which gives Mila more awkward opportunities to seduce him. But the relationship doesn’t work, at all, because up to this point the two characters have exchanged less than a dozen lines on screen. Channing rescues the hell out of Mila, but that’s not a firm footing for any relationship.

Okay, I understand there’s probably a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on here, but still, for the audience watching from the outside in it is simply painful. Like watching two middle-schoolers trying to tell the world how their love is special and different and nobody understands them!

*insert appropriate amount of adolescent angst*

I expect this sort of awkward relationship building in Tween movies like Twilight or Divergent, but Jupiter Ascending was billed as an adult movie, and therefore this sort of quasi-love story implodes upon itself like a Flan in the cupboard. <— obligatory Eddie reference for the day.

Forget the love story for a second and let’s deal with a few other gripes. Channing Tatum is supposed to be the heart-throb, right? And what’s more heart-throbby than having him run around shirtless for half the movie?

Seriously, it was gratuitious, and perhaps forgivable, if not for the fact that Tatum is sporting a bit of a gut throughout. Not sure if this is an attempt to buck the Hollywood notion of “normal body type”, but I can’t take him seriously as an intergalactic badass mercenary for hire while packing all that extra insulation.

Does that make me a dick with unrealistic expectations of body type? Sure. I have a blog scheduled for later this week which will talk, in great length, about body image in the media, so let’s wait until then to get knee deep in the muck.

Next, let’s talk about anti-gravity boots, which Tatum uses to ‘ice skate’ through the air. The concept is neat, they allow him to fly and dance through the air like an ice princess. This technology alone lets him defeat countless bad guys but the problem is it looked really lame on screen.

An awkward amount of piggy back riding.

And that’s a bad problem where cool new technologies are concerned. You want your audience saying, “Neato, I want those.” Not, “Oh, weird. That looks awkward.”

Unfortunately, Tatum spends a large portion of the movie utilizing these grav-boots, so you get more than your daily recommended dose of awkwardness. Bummer.

Alright, let’s stop ripping Tatum, who actually does a fine job throughout the movie, and let’s talk about Mila Kunis. Mila is the heart-throb of Hollywood right now. She’s funny and pretty, but god she is not cut out for action movies. Pay attention to Mila when things start blowing up and you’ll notice how she runs from point A to point B, spins in a dramatic circle searching for an exit, runs to point C where she stumbles whilst flailing her arms wildly, catches herself on a railing, and then runs to point D.

The problem? Well, its like somebody wrote out the instructions for her, like I just did, and then said, “Here, act this out.” It was painful, like watching a B-list Horror movie where the big breasted blonde runs awkwardly through the woods, fleeing the chainsaw wielding bad guy.

Also, they cast the big bad guy of the flick as this soft spoken, effeminate aristocrat. He whispers all his lines with the exception of three high pitched squeaks he emits to show just how cranky he really is.

Great actor, horrible bad guy.

Him and Mila get into it, they have a knock down, slug out fight, but it just doesn’t work. It’s like watching kindergartners have a slap-fight whilst trying to pull each others hair.

Not exactly the big-boss battle you want to see.

Oh well, it’s over. It’s behind me with only minimal psychological scarring to show for it. If you’re on the fence about seeing Jupiter Ascending, do yourself a favor and pass. If you really want to see it, like I did, then go for it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you never wanted to see Jupiter Ascending, but read this review anyhow, well… jeepers, there might be something wrong with you, but you’re my kind of broken. Here’s a cat video to make it all better!

*Edit* I totally forgot the cat video! Thanks Ron for the reminder!*

Anthony