Arrow and The Flash Review!

Let’s lead with this: I love superhero stories, even when they’re really bad. I’m thinking Superman Spiderman (d’oh!) 2 and 3 with Tobey Maguire bad. Or Batman & Robin with Arnold Schwarzennegger roaming around as Mr. Freeze bad. Call it a weakness, I just have a soft spot for them.

I admit, the Polar Bear slippers are pretty…cool!!! Hehe, see what I did there? No? Shut up, I’m funny.

Now, when I’m watching Arrow and The Flash I’m comparing them against shows like Smallville, which in the first handful of seasons was phenomenal. That’s sort of my baseline.

I should probably admit, also, that as a character, I really don’t like the Green Arrow. Call me crazy but the whole playboy, billionaire, philanthropist by day, dark, brooding, vigilante hero by night trope has been done (cough Batman cough).

What’s with all the rain? Weatherman said 70 and sunny!

The Flash, on the other hand, is one of my favorite characters of all-time. What’s interesting about the Flash is that in the public’s eye he is sort of a second rate superhero when compared to Batman, Superhero, Green Lantern (not to be mistaken for Green Arrow by those unfamiliar with comic book heroes), but the thing is, Flash is possibly the most powerful superhero of all-time.

Anyways, I digress, I just have a bit of a man-crush on the Flash. So sue me.

I went into Arrow after having heard great reviews for such a long while that I figured I owed it to myself to see what all the fuss was about. There are very nearly a handful of seasons out so it also satisfies my need for some binge watching.

Unfortunately, I just can’t get into it. Sorry. I’m trying, but it’s just not happening. I’m halfway through the first season and I got a couple really big problems I just can’t get past.

First, the dialogue is absolutely atrocious. Pretty much every conversation that takes place has a cringe worthy line. After a certain point I just want them to stop talking ’cause the awkwardness is nearly overwhelming.

Second, the acting is garbage. Okay, let me place a little caveat here. Oliver Queen’s step-black-daddy is great, as is Dig (the bodyguard for hire). Everybody else? Yuckers. Maybe nobody more so than the guy playing Oliver Queen himself. And here’s the problem, the guy plays brooding superhero halfway decently, but his false-face? The one he presents to everybody else as this care-free, bad-boy, heart-throb? Nope. It hurts to watch.

Third, and this is a gripe I have across most current superhero adaptations, they make the superhero sound like a garbage disposal trying to chug down a bag of marbles whenever they talk. Oliver Queen doesn’t bother with a voice modulator to distort his voice, instead he goes the Christian Bale as Batman route and inserts an inappropriate amount of gravelliness into his voice and then proceeds to shout all his lines.

Also, and this is a weak gripe, the dude wears face paint rather than a friggin mask. ‘Cause yeah, in a jiffy, makeup is way easier to scrub off your face than a simple mask. Not to mention that it doesn’t conceal jack squat, if anything it enhances.

“Boy howdy, Olly. That green paint sure makes your eyes pop.”

Ah, these things are killing the show for me. I want to make it through, but I just don’t think I can.

So I turned to The Flash, hoping, praying, begging that they would get it right, or atleast do better than the Arrow. And?

Well, they still do the stupid voice modulation thing, but atleast he doesn’t shout like Oliver Queen. The dialogue is as bad, if not worst than Arrow, so it’s got that going against it as well. The acting is a bit better on the whole with the stand out performance coming from Iris’ Dad, Joe? Everybody else? Meh, they’re alright, but nothing special.

The guy playing Barry Alan is appropriately awkward, endearing, earnest, and dorky so atleast when his scenes make me cringe it’s sort of true to the story. A weird pseudo-thumb up for that.

Now, I grant more slack to the Flash because I really love the character but I just got done with episode 11, Revenge of the Rogues, which is easily one of the worst episodes of any show I’ve ever seen. It hurt so bad.

For instance, Barry Alan, man who can run 750 miles per hour easily, has a hard time with two regular humans sporting a freeze-ray and a glorified flame thrower. Now, besides the fact that, since he can dodge bullets and all that, he should be able to run up and simply take the guns out of their hands, there is also the sneaky problem of the police presence who stand back and watch, impotent and ineffectual on account of the fact that they all must have left their guns at home.

Seriously, the bad guys are parading in the middle of the street wearing coveralls and a parka and the police don’t think to just shoot them in the back and be done with it.

Seriously. A parka and coveralls. Ugh.

No, instead, the Flash has to go through some convoluted garbage whereby he makes the bad guys “cross their streams” ala Ghostbusters. Only then, after they’ve blown up their little old guns, has the Flash won.

It’s seriously nonsense. Not only that, it’s offensive to the viewer who is treated like some species of monkey lacking common sense. You could drive a semi through these plot holes, and for that the writers should be ashamed.

Now, I will say this, the episode before that, Episode 10, The Man In Yellow, was fantastic. One of the best episodes of television I’ve seen recently. It had a lot going for it. Emotional heartstrings being tugged on left and right, high stakes, interesting plot. I loved it. So it was with much chagrin that I stumbled into that next turd of an episode.

What an awesome bad guy! Major creepster points!

On the whole, The Flash isn’t as bad as that one episode would indicate, so I’m not ready to write it off yet, but I’m warning you The Flash writers, you try and pull that shit on me again and I’m gonna pay you a visit in the dead of night with a sack of orange peels and a gravelly voice.

Trust me, you won’t like my particular brand of vigilante justice. Muahahaha…err.. Uh.. Thoughts? Which do you like more? Arrow or The Flash? Maybe neither? What do you think of the shows in question? Get down to the comments and let me know!

Anthony