Twitter Done Wrong

Quick disclaimer: I am, by no means, a Twitter expert. The fact that you’re here now, reading any advice I could possibly offer on how to use Twitter as an effective part of your social media platform, is likely due to your extreme boredom (and/or masochism).

In fact, I’ll go one step further and say I’m not an expert on social media engagement at all. So, if you’re looking for some sneaky, smart tactics to boost your digital voice, well, you’ve come to the wrong place.

Sort of.

See what I did there? That’s called a twist. I lead you in one direction and then bam! I throw a frozen steak at your dome-piece, wait for you to pass out from flying beef related brain injuries, and then relocate your unconscious body to this creepy ’50’s era-diner where nothing is as it seems.

What the hell am I talking about? How did we go from Twitter to this?

Those are some good questions, and I promise you, it’s unlikely I’ll answer either of them. Ha!

Okay, wait, don’t head for the door quite yet. Let’s get back on topic.

How to use social media effectively. Specifically, Twitter.

In today’s modern publishing landscape, it’s vital for authors to have a fairly robust social media presence. Whether it’s engaging with fans or talking to fellow writers, if you’re not using social media to expand your reach, then you’re shooting yourself in the proverbial foot (which is significantly less painful than shooting yourself in the literal foot, but way more detrimental to your professional career).

Now, we all (for the most part) know how to handle ourselves in normal, everyday social situations. Problem is, as soon as most people step into the Fairytale world of the Internet, all sense of social decency go flying out the window. We devolve into gibbering idiots babbling incoherently into a megaphone pointed at a digital wall. We don’t know what to say or how to say it. So we just start shouting!

Okay, maybe not everybody, but this is the case with a great number of people I run across on Twitter these days. If this is you, no worries, don’t feel bad and certainly don’t beat yourself up over it. You didn’t know any better; we forgive you. But, seriously, it’s time to knock it off. So, to aid you in your rehabilitation, I’m going to outline 5 things you’re doing wrong on Twitter.

These will be instructive, even if you already know what you’re doing out there, by the way.

5 Things To Stop Doing On Twitter (or any social media, really)

1)Auto-Messages Trying To Sell Something

Here’s what happens. I see somebody who looks vaguely interesting and I say to myself, “They sound neat.” So I friend them with the hopes that in the future we can maybe have some cool conversations about the genealogical similarities between manatees and unicorns. Instead, what I get is an auto-generated message that says something roughly equivalent to, “Thanks for friend-ing me. Buy this thing I have for sale!”

What’s my reaction? Well, first I vomit uncontrollably because I hate being sold to. Second, I go and unfriend them.

Why?

Because this person isn’t interested in being my friend, they are interested in me being their customer. Problem is, I’m not on Twitter ’cause I want you to buy your book or knick-knack. I’m on Twitter to interact with people. If the first interaction I have with you is “Buy my thing, buy my thing, buy my thing”, then I’m gonna throat punch you and walk away. And guess what? I’ll be walking away without your book in my hand.

2) Auto-Messages Forcing Me To Prove I’m Human

This one you see less often, but I still see it frequently enough that it necessitates a comment. Here’s what happens. I friend you, and you auto-send a message that asks me to click a link to verify I am indeed a human, and not a robot or sentient wallaby or something.

This is so stupid it baffles my mind that it’s even a thing people do. This is like going to a party, chatting with somebody, getting their number, and then calling them!

 

What in the ever-loving fuck. Seriously?

One of two things happen here. Either I gave you the wrong number (’cause I didn’t want to say it to your face, but you actually suck and I don’t want to be your friend) in which case things are about to get awkward between you and me standing here at the punch bowl. OR I actually did give you the right number, but now I’m never going to answer your texts because I think you’re an absolute douche-nozzle for doing such a socially awkward thing.

Either way, it’s a losing proposition.

If I want to be your friend on Twitter, don’t make me prove it.

3) Spamming Your Feed With Ads For Your Book

This is akin to the first item on this list and it can be quickly distilled to this: Stop Trying To Sell Your Book On Twitter!

It’s neither the time, nor the place. People aren’t on Twitter looking for their next read. They are there to engage with people. If you present yourself as a cool, interesting person who has cool, interesting things to say, then maybe, MAYBE they will go and buy your book. If so, great. If not, that’s fine, because again, that’s NOT what social media is for.

If the majority of your tweets are referencing once of your books, I’m going to unfriend you. Simple as that.

4) Spamming Your Feed With Lines From Your Book

Alright, I get it. You’re as proud as a toddler standing beside the toilet after their first successful non-pants-pooping-related-incident. You want to share all those wonderful lines blessing the pages of your most recent vampire/zombie rom-com.

But guess what?

It doesn’t work.

There are very few lines you can just pull out of your book, slap on Twitter, and have them resonate. Majority of the time it just leaves the reader scratching their head because they have this context’less line floating in the digital ether and they don’t know what to do with it.

Does that mean you should never do this? Not necessarily. As with pooping, bath salts, and kinky foreplay: there is a time and a place.

Dropping a teaser line from a piece your working on can be a good way to whet the appetite of your readership, but beware you don’t overdo it lest you be pigeonholed as the obnoxious guy at the party who keeps quoting his own work.

Seriously, draw up that mental image for a second. Can you imagine the sort of person who quotes their own lines at a party? He probably has a pony-tail and aviators. Now, is that really the sort of person you want to be friends with?

Oh, it is? Well, nevermind.

Moving on.

5) Spamming Your Feed With Retweets

Retweeting can be great. It’s a fantastic way of sharing interesting material. The problem arises when this is pretty much the only thing you’re doing on Twitter. If the majority of your tweets are actually retweets, then you’re doing something wrong. Often times, the people most guilty of this, supplement their feed with a healthy dose of self-promotion (aka: screaming about their books).

Here’s what you need to remember about social media: It’s a place people go to be social. To interact. Engage. Talk. Flirt. Fight. Discuss.

Because I’ve been sticking with the party metaphor throughout this blog post, let’s bring this one back around. Retweeting everything is like that person at the party who just keeps quoting other people.

You know the sort of person I’m talking about. Every other sentence is quoting either Super Troopers, or Nietzche. Nobody likes this person. Why? Because they aren’t real, original, or genuine.

They are none of the things we look for in an actual friend. If you wouldn’t be that person in a real life party, then most definitely don’t be that person on Twitter.

Easy, right?

No? Why not? Get down to the comments and let me know what’s tying you up in knots. I want–nay! I need to hear from you! Talk to me! Please. (<–oh yeah, don’t be the super-desperate needy guy on Twitter either. I’m guilty as charged on that one. Whoops.)